I make fun of conspiracy theorists all the time but I think I’m turning into the very thing that I ridicule. I’ve been noticing some shit and it’s like…every where man! There is no hiding from…them.

I’m serious, man; we have overlords, and they are all members of the following secret societies that I have exhaustively documented.

1. The Brotherhood of Dudes with Hammers Who Knock Coat Hooks Out of Toilet Stalls

2. The Illuminati of Leaving Damp Paper Towels on the Counters and in the Sinks of Public Bathrooms (the odds that this group works with or is possibly even the same as the above group are extremely high)

3. The Secret Distributors of Broken Glass and Bottle Caps in Parking Lots

4. The Brotherhood of Putting Wood and Shredded Tires on Freeways

5. The Secret Coalition of Office Workers Who Print Shitloads of Documents and Then Leave Them on the Printer All Day

6. The Illuminati of People Who Put the Wrong Discs into the Wrong DVD and/or Video Game Cases

7. The Fraternal Order of People Who Will Bag Their Dogs’ Shit But Then Just Leave it on The Sidewalk Anyways

8. The Secret Society of People Who Put Cracks in CD Cases

9. The Illuminati of People Who Clearly Don’t Pet Their Cats Enough

10. The Clandestine Collective of Facebook Programmers Who Keep Sending You Notifications for Shit You’ve Already Seen