Assorted Musings on Alien: Covenant

Yes, I know this has been out for a week already, but since I’m doing nothing else this Memorial Day weekend and negative thoughts really ignite my creativity like nothing else, I just had to get this out of my system. There will be spoilers from here on out.

  1. If you are one of those horror flick purists who thinks that monsters are scarier when they are unexplained and that an origin story detracts from a beast’s air of mystery which makes it so much more horrifying, than you will hate Alien: Covenant. Granted, you probably already hated Prometheus, which this is more or less a direct sequel to.
  2. If you are one of those horror flick purists who thinks that monsters are more effective the less we see of them, then you will hate Alien: Covenant.
  3. Building off the last point, the CGI Xenomorph looks like shit.
  4. Good luck remembering any of these characters’ names or remembering who is married to who. With the exception of about three of them, none of the Covenant‘s crew members have any distinct personality, so you don’t care when someone dies.
  5. That business with David (Michael Fassbender) and Dr. Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) ends pretty much exactly how you expected it to, and although these new characters are mostly unaware of the events depicted in Prometheus, watching Covenant devote most of its second act to this tiresome non-mystery is pretty damn frustrating from the audience’s perspective.
  6. James Franco is in this (don’t ask).
  7. Speaking of Franco, his frequent collaborator Danny McBride does a pretty good job in this very, very serious movie. He’s one of few highlights.
  8. Colony ship Covenant‘s commanding officer Oram (Billy Crudup) is quite possibly the stupidest character in this whole franchise. He makes the hapless biologist from Prometheus look like Tony Stark in comparison.
  9. David and the newborn Xenomorph that bursts out of Oram striking that dumb pose at each other is extremely dumb. Why is this in the movie?
  10. Chestburster scenes have lost all impact.
  11. The various kill scenes in this movie are so sloppy, rushed and un-artfully constructed that it’s hard to believe Ridley Scott directed this mess.
  12. While technically impressive, watching Fassbender act opposite of himself isn’t nearly as interesting as it sounds on paper.
  13. Android Walter (also Fassbender) fighting android David was kind of cool, though it lead to a plot twist that is way too easy to see coming.
  14. Just about every twist in Covenant is telegraphed from light years away.
  15. Watching Xenomorphs get crushed by cranes and impaled by fork lift prongs is admittedly quite novel. I award Covenant style points for these scenes.
  16. If you’re wondering if finding out where Xenomorphs come from is worth all of the horseshit Prometheus and now Alien: Covenant will force you to swallow, the simplest answer I can give you is “no.”
  17. Why are Alien movies still being made?
  18. The Predator films were never this pretentious.
  19. You should probably just go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 again.
  20. Remember that Life movie that came out back in March? It was far from perfect, but it turned out to be a better Alien movie than Alien: Covenant. Check that one out if you missed it.
  21. Origin’s new album will probably be a better Alien movie than Alien: Covenant.
  22. The Martian is less than two years old; rest assured, Ridley Scott fans, some part of that guy still knows how to make a great movie.
  23. We still have Alien and Aliens.

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