The ‘Allegiant’ Trailer is Here to Bore a Hole in Our Heads

Two very uncool things have happened to me on Sept. 15, the day of my 26th birthday: an obscure relative of mine described me as a “hunky guy” on my FB timeline for the entire world to see and the teaser trailer for The Divergent Series: Allegiant has been released.

In addition to being the worst thing to happen to the great city of Chicago since this, Divergent perfectly embodies everything that is wrong with contemporary YA fiction: clichéd “I’m the only special one,” plotlines; boring, interchangeable love-interest hunks played by British guys struggling to affect an American accent; cheap-looking, uninspired production design; and cookie-cutter, insert-any-allegory dystopian governments that could probably be overthrown by an unruly class of fifth graders. If you aren’t sick to death of any of these fleshy, beaten horse chunks, then you will love Divergent.

The trailer isn’t anything special but what the hell were you expecting? It spends half its time recapping the first two awful movies before showing some new footage in which Beatrice “Tris” Prior (Shailene Woodley) leads her friends out of Chicago into some desolate wasteland. There’s some running, shooting and explosions before we end on a scene where Tris meets Jeff Daniels, who will definitely not turn out to be a badguy.  I’m sure he’s completely harmless and trustworthy.

I’ve somehow made it through two of these so I might as well suck it up and finish this shit show. Each movie has had a few sprinkles of delightful unintentional comedy and I expect there will be many more as we approach the end…

Oh shit; this isn’t the last one?! Well, fuck me.

The Divergent Series: Allegiant will be out in March 2016. No, I don’t know the specific day and I don’t care enough to look it up. Frankly, neither should you.

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